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 Turns out the gift my Uncle Joe gave me, this old book, is actually "The Book," some sort of time warping machine. We opened it up and — bam! — we're being threatened by Blackbeard. You know Blackbeard, right? He's that pirate from the early 1700s. He's that fashion model with the huge beard. He's that pirate from the early 1900s. 
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