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Genghis Khan


13th Century.



Also known as:

Temüjin; Khan of the Mongols; Universal Ruler.

Not known as:

Skippy; The Big G; Charlie Cuddles; Lord Voldemort.

Claim to fame:

World Conqueror, Brutal Killer, Ruthless Slaughterer.

Also: school bully (unconfirmed).

Likely billing if appearing on The Jerry Springer Show:

Monstrous Mongolian Murderer.

Likely billing if appearing on The Genghis Khan Show:

Fearless Leader Of Greatest Empire The World Has Seen.

Typical headline if on 10 o'clock news:

Genghis Khan's Army Crushes Another Nation.

After the Break: Is Apple Sauce Dangerous? Channel 9 investigates.

Likely to say:

"No more Mister Nice Guy."

"Tchoo." The Mongols were great horsemen and tchoo is the Mongolian equivalent of "giddyup".

"You're fired."

Unlikely to say:

"We come in peace."

"I was kidding. You can go free."

"I'm not going to kill you and everyone else who is taller than a cart handle."

"Have your people call my people: we'll do lunch."

"Does this armor make me look too macho?"

Who would play Genghis Khan in a movie?

The Rock.

Who would not play Genghis Khan in a movie?

Chris Rock.

Relationship to Jon Scieszka:


Unusual characteristic:

He carried an unusual genetic trait that has led scientists to trace 16 million of his ancestors all seemingly related to Genghis Khan. Seriously. This research was published in 2003 in "The Genetic Legacy of the Mongols."

Unusual way to plan for own funeral:

He wanted secrecy at his funeral, as he didn't want enemies to benefit from his death or rob his tomb of treasures. So, after the sacrifice of 40 horses and 40 young girls, he also left orders for his army to have everyone who saw the funeral procession — and it was a very long one all the way from China to Mongolia — killed to make sure the secret was safe.

Favorite ice cream:

Red bean with rainbow sprinkles.